10/25-10/29 #3

In today’s society, there seems to be a generous lack of role models and people worth looking up to. This makes the task of determining someone I look up to near impossible. If I had to pick one person I look up to, it would have to be someone truly incredible. I am talking about, of course, Tom Green. He is the absolute epitome of genius, and the human incarnation of awesomeness. How anyone could not see how Tom Green is an ideal role model for people from all walks of life is beyond me. He is clearly who children need to be looking up to. It is so refreshing to have someone in the spotlight who promotes positive morals and an optimistic outlook in life in general. He would never, ever intentionally do something for the purpose of irritating another person, or even think about capitalizing at the expense of others. You will never see Tom Green doing anything your grandma wouldn’t approve of. He really is a fantastic individual. The very best thing about Tom is the fact that he doesn’t claim to be a hero, even though we all know he is. It is a fool who doesn’t see what a genuinely nice person Tom Green is. This nation needs more men like him. Absolutely every aspect of his life is oozing with the kind of perfection only found in one other person. That’s right folks, Chris Pontius. Together, these men have the potential to do great things. Why not make an awesome TV show? I believe that MTV 2 has some time slots open, seen as though all they play anymore are re-runs of room raiders and made. I do believe that once this plan is put into action, Michelle Obama will once again be comfortable looking on her country with pride.

10/25-10/29 #2

Injuries are not fun. I think that this goes without saying. I, Johnny Law, wish to share with you a tale that explains one of my past injuries, but also demonstrates my obvious manly toughness. I assure you that this story is one hundred percent non-fiction, so please don’t doubt my authenticity. I’ll start this one from the top. The date was April the twenty-first 1996. I’d only been on the force for one year at the time, so I was still pretty much a rookie. It was a brisk day, and one that was just strange in general. Earlier that week, I had to deal with two hooligans that had a couple squirt guns, and were bingin’ da ruckus all over town! This was the first real action I had seen up until that point, and all the guys back at the station held me as a hero for this act of bravery. With the knowledge that I was the baddest cop in the force, I was ready to hit the streets once more. Now back to the twenty first. As I said before, this day was strange. It was like nothing bad was happening, so I figured the only logical thing to do would be to instigate the random teenagers around town until one of them did something irrational. That would be the only way to keep my title as the coolest cop in the town. The first few teenagers to walk by, I questioned them intensely. I poked one in the chest and he stepped back, saying he didn’t want any trouble. I knew he was lying right away, so I threw him to the ground and tried to cuff him. I decided this would be much easier if he was unconscious, so I kicked him in the head repeatedly. Eventually, I got the cuffs on him, and started taking him to the car. On the way over, I stubbed my toe on a rock, and it was all that trouble maker’s fault! He was later convicted of resisting arrest and assaulting an officer of the law. That wasn’t the end for me though. I suffered from post-traumatic stress for several years, and saw a police shrink for a while. I still have nightmares, but at least I’m still the coolest cop in town.

10/25-10/29 #1

Ah, Ryan Pinkowski. Where does one even begin to fathom the activities Ryan partakes in during his free time? All I know is that whatever it is, it makes him very sleepy. This is demonstrated by the almost constant tired and drawn out look in his face. The mystery activity also makes Ryan very, very happy. We know this to be true, because he always comes into school in the morning with a big smile on his face. This activity must take up a big portion of his life, because whatever it is, it distracts him to the point of not being able to perform his school work. This activity must be very important to him if he allows it to prohibit him from getting decent grades. We all know that grades are one of the most important things for a teenager to maintain, so whatever Ryan does in his spare time, it must be very important!!! The only thing that could possibly make sense is the thing I witnessed Ryan doing last Saturday evening. Ryan was teaching orphans to read from the bible all night! He taught them proper spelling, grammar, and even moral connotations. Clearly the fact that he stays up all night teaching orphans to read is the source of his sleepiness and inability to function in class. The satisfaction he gets from his job must be the source of the big smile he wears on his face almost every morning when he comes into school. Gee, what a great guy that Ryan Pinkowski is. I mean just think about it! He teaches orphans to read! While most other teenagers are out stealing from A-Plus, getting into fights, and using drugs in the streets, Ryan is busy showing the magic of literacy to under-privileged children. He is truly a source of inspiration for us all.

10/18-10/22 #3

The scariest place on earth would have to be Mexico. It’s filled with drug cartels and dangerous rebels that serve to make this country a very hostile environment. Mexico has no money, which assists to make it a terrifying place. Just think, these people have a space program! This is not something to be done on a low budget. What happens if you have to go to the hospital in Mexico? I can only imagine that the most sophisticated tools they have are a pair of pliers and a jar of paint thinner. Also, have you ever heard of any lakes in Mexico? How can you run a country without any fresh water? No wonder everyone’s trying to leave! That place is just terrible. I think the best thing to do about this is to avoid Mexico in general.I'm in a crappy mood and it's my birthday, so I'm gonna stop talking before I say anything too offensive.

10/18-10/22 #2

Sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Boss here. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. And during the turn of the millennium in Alden, New York, that man was Nate Bailey. Now the boss’ story takes place right about the time of our conflict with Sadam and the Iraqis. Only reason this is worth mentioning is because it goes along with a pretty sweet quote from The Big Lebowski . Truth be told, this here prerequisite don’t have much relevance to Nate’s story, but I felt it was a pretty moving introduction. Now one day as the boss was roaming on home from a long evening at that ol’ watering hole he loved so much, he came across a lonely old hotel. Sign over the door read “Hotel California” which was simple enough to lull any man into a false sense of security. The boss rolled in to find it vacant; quiet enough to hear even the faintest moan from a stuck pig (I liked that line). Nate decided he would be a fool not to let himself into a room and proceeded to do so. He tried to rest his eyes for a minute on the dusty bed, but was soon greeted by a whole company of ghosts. Boss man booked it to the door but a spirit beat him to it. Darkness washed over the Boss, darker then a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. From this there was no escape. The boss is still stuck in that room today, trying to escape from all the dastardly spirits that haunt him. I for one find it rather displeasing that we won’t be hearing from the boss any time soon.

10/18-10/22 #1

Nate Bailey is in fact a boss. Haters gonna hate. You may wonder what makes him a boss. The answer is simple: He doesn’t need a reason, he’s Nate Bailey. Because I don’t have any supporting arguments for this statement (and don’t need any) I wish to take this time to talk to you about a recent incident at Alden high school, during which a plague of angry cats descended upon the school. First off, it is important for you to know that they are dangerous! Do not make any attempt to approach these cats, as they are vicious and ready to kill. They hide in heaters and recycling bins, waiting for unsuspecting victims to pass by. Respected reporter Zach Rogers will be submitting an article to Alden’s online newspaper in which he details the facts you need to know about these vile felines, so I won’t steal his thunder. Still looking for another 100 words, I will be forced to ramble about nothing specific. One point worth mentioning is the incredible lack of work ethic from the student behind me. All he has done in the past 20 minutes is discuss bringing more cats into school, and listen to music entirely too loud. He has also been listening to the song 2am by Slightly Stoopid, which is a very good song, but not one conducive to completing work on time. His actions prove to me that he is not a boss. Nate Bailey, on the other hand, is. Face.

10/11-10/15 #3

The Best Band ERRRR!!!!!!!!!
I have to say, I absolutely hate this blog prompt. It’s absolute trash if you ask me. One may wonder how such a light hearted question prompted such a harsh response. Well the answer to that question is quite simple actually. For a person such as me who listens to a great variety of music, it would be impossible to select one band that tops all the rest. Each band I listen to has their own distinct styles, and I enjoy all of them, or else I wouldn’t listen to them. It is, in my opinion, wrong to be closed minded to a particular style of music, except country of course, because country is just terrible. I don’t even know what country music is other than trash. It’s like it’s trying to be blues, or bluegrass, or rock or something. All of those are just fine on their own, but when you combine them, add a liquored up singer, and toss in a few stereotypes of the southern United States, you just get garbage. But anyways, the way I see it, a good band needs just a few things for me to listen. A: the singer must be over the age of sixteen. B: Know how to rip on a guitar or a drum set before you try. C: Have a message of some sort and believe in it. Don’t just sing about nothing in the hopes of making a quick buck. D: You gotta be able to jam.

10/11-10/15 #2

The best class ererrr!!!!!!!
The best class ever, for me, is a very easy decision. For me, a perfect class is non-existent, although online publishing with Mr. Currin comes close. Pinky and Nate, I know you’re gonna give me crap for saying that, but just don’t. Ok? Just stop it right now. Get back to work. You have blogs due. But as I was saying, the concept of a perfect class is just ridiculous. The fact that I have to be in a school to learn anything new makes perfection a complete impossibility. Think about the possibilities there would be if you weren’t stuck in a classroom. You could ride a bike, go bowling, watch re-runs of “Da Ali G show!”, get into a fist fight, have a part time job, move to New Jersey, move back out of New Jersey because you realized that it’s disgusting, start a band, or even learn to cook. See I would like a class that allows you to come and go as you please. What would be taught in this class you may ask? Well ideally, it would teach bike riding, bowling, how to get free episodes of “Da Ali G Show!” online, how to get in a fist fight, how to avoid a fist fight, why moving to New Jersey is a terrible idea, why moving to Nebraska is an even worse idea, how to start a band, how to draft an ideal fantasy football team so your students aren’t forced to send you info from NFL.com in the middle of class, and even how to cook. Now that class would rule.

10/11-10/15 #1

My Ideal meal would consist of more than one thing. As food is a matter of flavor and not order, I will not be listing any specific food stuffs. My alternative you may ask? I will list the most appropriate ingredients, and leave it up to the catacombs of your imagination to prepare a feast worthy of a king. The ingredients are as follows: A basic meat, preferably beef, no less than five different varieties of cheese, bacon, frosting, a healthy bit of fruit i.e. pineapple or mango, peppers ranging on the scoval heat scale from one to one hundred thousand, koolaid, bacon, pasta, bacon, a secondary meat, preferably poultry such as turkey or chicken, graham crackers, blue berries, kalamari, bacon, bacon, bacon, shoes, a digital clock, a non-digital clock, a grandfather clock (obviously broiled to perfection), Arabica coffee beans, velocity energy shots (available at your local A+ convenience center), slim jims, pudding of varying flavor, tortilla chips, 7up, black olives, bacon, ice cream, ring pops, everything served at Kentucky Fried Chicken barring double downs, double downs, triple downs (someone has definitely tried that), quadruple downs (that’s where they drew the line), lettuce, a stepping stool, a microwave oven, white hot dance moves, gun powder, more frosting, walnuts, any three items from China King, hot sauce of at least seven different brand names, Burt Reynold’s mustache, and two zested lemons. Well there you have it. The ultimate list of ingredients for a proper meal. Now get a shopping cart, several thousand dollars, and get cooking!

10/4-10-8 #3

A very difficult bit of work lies ahead for me. You see, for my online publishing class, I have been asked to select three of my favorite movies to write about. Foolishly, I made the mistake of not taking the time to think through this question. I have already written my first two blog posts on the subject, but am having an issue writing the third. You see, my third movie is difficult to describe in a school appropriate manner, so much will need to be left out of my analysis for the sake of keeping things tasteful. American Beauty is a true cult-classic. The main character is a middle aged man named Lester, played by Kevin Spacey. Lester’s life is very bland and boring, and his wife is a major control freak. He is going through a mid-life crisis when he is informed that he will most likely lose his job. This turns into an awakening experience for him, when he realizes that he no longer has to live his life in the manner his family expects him to. From that moment on, he does everything he can to live the way he wants. He buys a brand new car and even blackmails his boss for a year’s salary. Things culminate when he becomes acquainted with the rather strange family who lives next door, and his wife begins having an affair. I won’t ruin the ending for you, but I have to say, this movie is a must see.

10/3-10/8 #2

With such a taste for cinema, it is very difficult to choose just one favorite, but one that comes very close is a nineties cult classic. That’s right, I’m talking about The Big Lebowski. Played by Jeff Bridges, the main character of this movie is an awesome, unemployed, bowling lover, ex-hippie (debatable) named Jeff Lebowski but better known simply as “The Dude” (or, uh, his dudeness, duder, el duderino if you’re not into that whole brevity thing). This movie also stars John Goodman and Steve Buscemi as The Dude’s friends Walter and Donny. The movie starts At The Dude’s house, where a rug (which really tied the room together) is defiled by several mobsters. Turns out, they were looking for a much richer Mr. Lebowski, whose wife owed them money for more than one thing. The Dude goes to the rich Lebowski, demanding to be reimbursed for the rug, but is quickly denied by the ill-tempered Mr. Lebowski. When his wife is kidnapped days later, Mr. Lebowski recruits The Dude’s help to pay the ransom. With The Dude and Walter in control of the situation, a high degree of humor ensues. If you have any sence of humor whatsoever you need to see this movie.

10/3-10/8 #1

One of my all-time favorite movies is titled Pulp Fiction. This is a 1994 drama/dark comedy directed by Quentin Tarentino. It follows three main characters, two mobsters named Jules Verne and Vincent Vega (John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson) and a professional boxer named Butch (Bruce Willis). Other appearances include Ving Rhames as Marsellus Wallace, Uma Thurman as Wallace’s wife, Harvey Keitel, Christopher Walken, Eric Stoltz, Rosanna Arquette, and Tim Roth. It is apparent that this movie has quite the all-star cast of characters. The plot surrounds Vega and Verne’s assignment to recover the mysterious contents of Marsellus Wallace’s stolen brief case. It is this job that prompts Verne to retire as a criminal. After this, Vega is asked to recover money that was stolen from Wallace by Bruce Willis’ character Butch. One of the most interesting elements in this movie is Tarentino’s decision to alter the sequence of events. This makes the movie somewhat difficult to follow, but after watching it several times, the order becomes apparent. This also serves to keep the audience in suspense. Some of the best parts of this movie are the scattered bits of comedy. You have to have a taste for sarcasm to find this movie funny, but if you do, this movie is hysterical.

9/27-10/1 #3

Ah, sweet winter. How many people adore your icy grasp. People come from all over to adore the snow covered states of the north. I on the other hand am not one of those people. I hate that season with an intensity that most sane people couldn’t even begin to comprehend! What is wrong with these people? Winter isn’t fun, it’s just cold, and let me tell you, there is nothing fun about being cold. Think about it, when’s the last time you said “Oh hey, I’m not cold enough. I really want to be colder. Better yet, I wish that my entire town was covered in ice!” That’s just absolutely ridiculous! This is why my favorite season is summer. You see, in the summer, everything is warm! That’s the way things are supposed to be, nice and warm. Can you honestly say you would enjoy yourself on a beach in the middle of winter? Now consider the same setting in the middle of July. Much better right? Right. Nothing beats the summer time. Just jamming out on the beach with your homies, listening to some great tunes, sippin’ some Dr. Pepper. That is one hundred percent unbeatable. So next time you decide that winter is the best season, think for a minute and I’m sure you’ll decide that summer is far superior.